


I'm Still Breathing On My Own

by Stagcore



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel Angst, Episode: s08e08 Hunteri Heroici, How Do I Tag, Human Castiel, Hurt Castiel, M/M, Meta, Suicidal Castiel, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-28
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2019-08-09 04:27:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16442960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stagcore/pseuds/Stagcore
Summary: I found some notes I made whilst watching Hunteri Heroici and I thought I'd try and shape it into something.Not sure how this is gonna turn out since it is unbeta-d. I feel like it is different to my other fics but then again I haven't written for a whileThe title is take from one of my favourite Green Day songs <3Please enjoy!:)





	I'm Still Breathing On My Own

He knew that the transformation from being in Purgatory, stuck with monsters of all kinds whilst they fought for their lives in the dense, vast forest to being back in the world that his father created for his favourite creations would be tough to say the least. After all, when sleeping with one eye open, always alert and ready to run or fight becomes second nature the possibility of a restful night goes out of the window.

Not that Cas needed to sleep. He was still an angel (even if he was just scraping by) Something that Cas envied about humanity was their ability to sleep. To pass out when things got overwhelming seemed like a good idea. And good God was everything overwhelming. It wasn’t like last time where he could just drink until he forgot, he had things to atone for. Mistakes to fix. There were so many mistakes to fix....

If it was one thing the Winchester’s had taught him, if he couldn’t drink the pain away he would have to work until it took his mind off of it. So when the case jumped out at him from the newspaper, Cas could have wept with happiness. If he couldn’t serve Heaven he could serve Humanity. A way to right the wrongs he had done as God. That’s how he found himself in front of Dean and Sam with a newspaper in his hand and a smile on his face.

Turns out working with the Winchester’s wasn't pleasant as he had hoped. Constantly getting pushed to the side whilst they worked was not something the angel had enjoyed though it did give him something else to concentrate on apart from the massive bulls-eye on his back that the angels had been keeping an eye-out for. And those weird blackouts where he’d zone out for a split second and then come back to his senses. 

Cas had become used to sitting on the outskirts. Watching as the hunters in his care fought and and bled for those who were innocent. It was such an admirable quality in people. Something that was severely lacking “upstairs” as Dean put it.

Watching from the rooftop at the people below, they looked small, like insects. Briefly, Cas wondered what it would be like to jump from the rooftop. If he had no wings to save him. The final step off of the roof was as inviting as a meal to the starving.

Anyways, it would be interesting to find out where angels went after they died. After all, he wasn’t supposed to be in purgatory...

No, either God or the angels would just bring him back again. Maybe this was part of his redemption? He couldn't take the so called 'easy way out.'

He scoffed to himself. There wasn't anything easy about it. Taking your own life was one of the hardest thing for someone to do.

Cas could see the appeal but still, he backed down from the rooftop. They had a job to do. 

Out of the corner of his eyes he could see Sam giving him worried glances. He shrugged it off and went back to the car. 

A little while later the thoughts came again. The idea that being dead would solve at least a handful of his problems. Cas was flicking through John Winchester's old journal when Dean asked how he was doing. Usually he'd just shrug him off. Dean wasn't as open to talking about feelings as his brother and he'd leave it. Let Cas come to terms with his problems and ask for help if and when he needed it. Historically speaking, that didn't go well, so Dean was trying a different approach. 

"How you feelin', Cas?" Dean asks carefully. Not sure how to tread about the question. 

"I'm fine." Cas replies a little too fast for it to be truthful. When did he become such a liar?

Dean wasn't buying it. He new the routine. Lying, deflecting and skirting around how he really felt was practically second nature and like a lot of things, Cas wasn't exactly an expert at faking human emotions or keeping them hidden. After not feeling anything for most of his existence, human emotion came crashing down on his head and the result wasn't exactly pretty, but he kept a lid on it. Ignore it, bury it, distance and distract yourself from it. Anything to keep the lid tightly sealed shut. 

“Talk to me, Cas” The bed dipped across from him and Cas desperately wished he could sink into the floor.

Searching desperately for something, anything to say, Cas swallowed thickly around the frog sized lump in his throat.

“When I was bad I had all those things. The Leviathans raving inside me. If I see what Heaven’s become. What I've made of it, I might kill myself…” The what seemed like centuries of silence that hurt like he was branded with it. This was his biggest secret and now it was out in the open. He felt so unclean and the adrenaline thundered in his blood. He could have cried when Sam knocked on the door and interrupted them both. Freeing him from the uncomfortable room that was suffocating with unasked questions. 

The rest of the case flew by and before he knew it he was alone again. Well, not entirely alone. He had dear, old, Fred Jones. Enjoying the music and the fleeting feeling of content. Cas closed his eyes and tried not to focus too hard on the thoughts that swirled around his head at a hundred miles an hour. For now, he was still alive, he was surviving and maybe that's all he could do right now. Maybe that was for the best. Extravagant plans on how to fix the messes that he had made wasn't one of his strengths so for now, Cas figured he'd just sit and enjoy the music. Enjoy being alive for a little while longer.


End file.
